there’s little argument, almost 30 years later, that nintendo made a lot of mistakes with its virtual boy console. not even excellent, first-party games like wario land and, uh, mario’s tennis, i guess, could overcome the doomed device’s harsh graphics and poor ergonomics. but for all the virtual boy‘s failures, the most monstrous and perhaps least talked about has to be providing a home to the anthropomorphized mascots of 3d tetris.

3d tetris was the third and final game t&e soft developed for the virtual boy following red alarm and golf. as the name suggests, 3d tetris extends traditional tetris gameplay into the third dimension, introducing a variety of new tetriminos designed for the perspective shift to the classic lineup. the game is competent enough, if inferior to plain old tetris, but i found it hard to tear my eyes away from the “next piece” window and the horrific creatures contained within.

see, someone on the 3d tetris team (probably some out-of-touch middle manager, to be honest) saw fit to give the tetriminos not only faces but arms, legs, and in some cases, hair. i hate it. i hate it so much. and if that wasn’t enough, the 3d tetris manual includes official artwork and screenshots depicting these nightmare creatures (referred to with the whimsical moniker “block characters”) in full detail.

i warn you, the following slideshow (courtesy of planet virtual boy) may be disturbing.

“memorize which block each of these glorious dudes represents!” the 3d tetris instruction booklet suggests alongside pictures of its smiling, dismembered, distended cast of freaks.

no, i don’t think i will.